This article is adapted from this post by Debra Jones from Parenting Help for Adoptive and Foster Parents.
What’s the need beneath the behavior?
I’m constantly approached by parents who want to toss out a
behavior problem and have me come up with the best answer as to how the parent
should deal with that particular behavior. They are asking, “How do you fix
__________? Fill in with anything ranging from “My child won’t get dressed for
school” to “My teen is using dangerous drugs and hanging out with unsafe kids.”
I wish it were that easy.
Parents come to me specifically for trust-based parenting
strategies since I coach and train in Trust-Based Relational Intervention®
(TBRI®). They are trying to give up their old ways, but can’t see that they are
really still using their old strategies and belief systems with a trust-based
sprinkle on top. They will even say for said problem, “What’s the TBRI answer
for handling this behavior?”
TBRI answers aren’t typically just a step one, two, three
answer. TBRI is much more about building a connecting relationship
and establishing an emotionally safe relationship in which the child or teen
will come to you with her needs and lay down her maladaptive behavioral
strategies – the survival strategies that kept her alive before she was yours.
It is about showing the child that you have a voice with me, and I will listen
to what you need. I will try to understand what you feel. I will help you solve
this problem. And if you don’t have the skill set to succeed, I will spend the
time it takes with you to build this skill set. And for kids from hard places
that can mean a LOT of our time.
I’m not going to come down hard on my child when he is
dysregulated or even when he’s making bad choices. I’m going to recognize as
the safe adult in his life that his brain is hard-wired to respond with fight,
flight, or freeze responses. I’m very deliberate about watching my own tone of
voice, my own body language, even my own belief systems that might indicate to
my child that he is going to be judged, punished, or shamed by me. I’m going to
approach a behavior problem like there is a mystery to be solved.
Why is getting dressed in the morning so hard for my child?
• Does
he dread or fear school?
• Does
he feel like he’s in trouble with his teacher?
• Do
kids make fun of him or is he being left out at recess?
• Is
the school environment a sensory overload for him?
• Is
he not getting enough sleep?
• Is
his blood sugar low because he hasn’t had protein yet?
• Does
he feel like a nerd in the clothes I’ve bought for him?
• Is
his sensory system so sensitive the tags in his shirts are
uncomfortable for him?
• Is
his neurochemistry imbalanced and cortisol is too low in the morning?
• Or
is he stressed and cortisol is too high?
• Has
he not had enough calming sensory input to be successful?
• Am
I giving more instructions at one time than he can process?
• Am
I rushed and rushing him?
• Does
he power struggle with me because he doesn’t know how to use his words?
• Is
he developmentally ready to dress himself without frustration?
And with the teen that is choosing unsafe friends and using
drugs it’s even harder to solve the need beneath the behavior.
• Does
she feel she doesn’t fit in with our family?
• Does
she truly understand the dangers involved?
• Does
she feel valued and loved?
• Is
she rebelling against authoritarian parenting?
• Is
she lonely?
• Is
her neurochemical imbalance so severe she is self-medicating?
• Is
she bored?
• Does
she need something exciting and thrilling in her life?
• Does
she have the skill set to build healthy relationships?
• Is
she having an identity crisis?
• Is
she failing or struggling at school and this is a way to fit in?
• Does
she have feelings she has buried and doesn’t feel safe to
come to me?
• Does
she feel she’ll never measure up to my expectations?
• Does
she compare herself to my biological children and feel not good enough?
• Does
she know how to express her fears and feelings?
• Have
I spent time matching her and engaging in her interests?
• Do
I make myself emotionally available to her?
• Does
she feel seen, heard, and understood?
As parents we want behavior to stop and sometimes we get
rigid about find THE ANSWER that will make it stop. Unfortunately there have
been many parenting models that seem to indicate that if the child does
_________, you do _________ and the problem will go away. Simple as that! Not
so simple with a child from a background of early harm.
There is much work to be done. There is much repair and much
building from scratch in our relationships with them if they are going to feel
safe, become secure, and develop the skills to have healthy relationships and
make wise choices.
Behavior communicates. It communicates needs, fears, pain,
losses, and wants. It communicates skills that my child has and skills that are
lacking. What is your child communicating to you? Will you stop your world long
enough to deeply look at your child’s desperate need?
For more in depth trust based parenting insights for your family, check out our 13 week DVD small group curriculum The Connection by Dr. Karyn Purvis and Elizabeth Styffe.
Also be sure to check out the Empowered to Connect Conference coming to Orange County Feb. 13 & 14th. Use the code FOCUSGUEST for half off registration!