This blog has been adapted from a post on Dr. Karyn Purvis’
site Empowered to Connect.
For more helpful trust-based parenting tips, visit their resources page.
To order The Connection, a 13 week small group study for adoptive and foster
parents written by Dr. Karyn Purvis and Elizabeth Styffe, click here.
When people hear our kids ask, “May I
have a compromise?” they tend to look at us a bit funny. They seem completely
confused when we respond to our kids as if their request for a compromise is
normal. But at our house it is normal. In fact, it’s a request we hear no less
than a dozen times each day.
We began teaching our kids to ask for
compromises when our now five-year old daughter was only two. We figured that
she was old enough to have a conversation with us, so she was old enough to
begin learning how to compromise.
One thing we’ve noticed over the
years among kids who are adopted or in foster care is that they tend to have
control issues — sometimes really BIG control issues. Many kids (and parents)
struggle with control issues, but this especially true for adopted and foster
kids that come from homes or situations where most, if not all, of their world
was out of control. Sometimes these kids had to raise younger siblings,
or had to fend for themselves to find their next meal. Sometimes these kids had
to use control and manipulation to stay safe, both physically and emotionally.
And some of these kids resorted to control as an attempt to mask their
lack of trust and feed their desire to avoid being hurt, neglected, or
abandoned ever again. Control is often an “all or nothing” proposition for
these kids, and when they come to our homes they aren’t willing to easily give
up the control they’ve worked so hard to get.
In our home we’ve decided we are
going to help our kids deal with their control issues not by taking control
away from them, but by sharing control with them. Share control with our kids?
Sounds crazy. After all, we are the parents so we need to show our kids
that we are in control, right? The thinking goes that they need to respect our
authority or everything will devolve into chaos. We followed this way of
thinking for a while, but showing our kids that we were in control was NOT
working. As we tried to suddenly take all the control away from them what we
got in return were power struggles and the very chaos we were trying to avoid.
What worked, however, was a very simple solution…compromise.
The insight that helped us grasp this
approach was actually something that Dr. Karyn Purvis said – “If you as a
parent share power with your children, you have proven that it’s your power to
share.” This helped me understand that I get to decide when and how much
power to share when I offer my kids a compromise. And offering
compromises doesn’t mean that I lose control or give my kids all of the
control. It means that I teach them how to share power and control
appropriately and by doing so, I teach them an essential skill for healthy
relationships.
Here’s how a compromise works at our
house:
Me: Son, please go clean your room.
Son: (who is playing a videogame)
Sure mom. May I have a compromise?
Me: What’s your compromise?
Son: May I finish this level on my
game and then go do it?
Since that is an acceptable middle
ground I will typically say sure and let him finish the level before going to
clean his room. Of course this is an ideal conversation. Often times it goes
more like this:
Me: Son, please go get your room
cleaned up.?
Son: (who is playing a video game)
Ugh!! Can’t I just finish this level first?
Me: Whoa! I don’t like that tone.
Are you asking for a compromise??
Son: Yes.?Me: I’m listening.?
Son: May I have a compromise?
Me: What’s your compromise?
Son: May I finish this level on my
game and then go do it?
Me: Sure! That’s a good job asking
for a compromise!
Learning compromises takes practice
for both kids and parents. As they learn this skill, it’s important to
praise your kids when they ask for a compromise correctly (even if you have to
prompt them). Still the risk remains that your child might not hold up his end
of the deal. So, as you start using compromises it’s important to remind
your kids that if they don’t hold up their end of the compromise, then you
won’t be able to offer as many compromises in the future. Contrary to
what I thought would happen, my kids have always held up their end of the
compromise. As a result, we have had far fewer control battles.
By using compromises our kids have
learned that they have a voice. They know that I can’t always give them or
agree to a compromise, but they also know that I will as often as I can.
And the funny thing is that they now are able to accept ‘no’ much better
than in the past.
Remember – compromising is NOT about allowing our
kids to argue or debate with us, nor is it about losing our control or giving
them all of the control. It is about sharing power – our power.
Compromises give our kids a voice and allow them to RESPECTFULLY
ask for what they want and need. And compromises give us as parents the
opportunity to teach our kids an important way of relating that builds trust
and connection.