Many walk into
an orphanage expecting to find rambunctious and lively children. However, they
are surprised to find something quite opposite. The quiet and still environment
causes many to exclaim, “These children are so well behaved!”
Unfortunately, what
we deem as “well behaved” can actually be a result of severe neglect. When a
child is born, they quickly and instinctively discover an attachment pattern
with parents. When a need arises, the child feels the need and expresses the
need, crying for mom or dad comes to help. In a healthy attachment cycle, mom
or dad meet the need when the need is expressed – whether that need is feeding,
changing a diaper, giving a hug, etc. For many children growing up in
orphanages, however, this healthy cycle did not occur. Needs were not met. When
the child cried mom and dad or a caretaker did not always come. Crying ceases because “a child without a voice
quickly learns he will be ‘on his own’ in getting his needs met. Survival
skills emerge in the absence of nurturing care that will later put him on a
developmental trajectory of harm. Without a voice, this child will learn not to
trust others to care for him” (Adoption).
According to
studies performed at Harvard University, “children who experience severe
deprivation typically need therapeutic intervention and highly supportive care
to mitigate the adverse effects [of trauma] and facilitate recovery” (Neglect). This is why TBRI, or Trust-Based Relational Intervention,
is such powerful knowledge for those caring for foster or adopted children.
This form of attachment-based, trauma-informed intervention encourages parents
to use a balance of nurture and structure with their child in order to repair
the losses their child has endured – including the loss of their voice.
Children from hard places were taught by their environment early on that their
voice has no power to get their needs met. In order to disarm fear and survival
strategies, parents teach children three important truths: You are safe, you are precious, you are heard.
You’ve heard the
phrase many times, communication is key. Often a child will misbehave and it is
our responsibility to ask ourselves, what is the need behind this behavior? Giving
children a voice helps them to convey their needs without acting out and
resorting to behavior to communicate. A healthy parent-child relationship has
secure attachment and attunement to a child’s emotional and developmental
needs. Repetition in completing the Attachment Cycle helps to rewire the brain
with trust.
To learn more about how to promote connection with your child, check out The Connection, a 13 week small group study to equip families with practical skills, or join us at
our next Connection Seminar: http://orphancareinitiative.com/event/.
Sources: https://www.adoptioncouncil.org/publications/2013/07/adoption-advocate-no-61
http://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/deep-dives/neglect/
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